100 Reasons Being Fat Sucks 11-20

#11 - Scarlet Fever - Steps aren't so bad when compared to a long walk or half hearted run. Your face isn't so used to all of the physical exertion and turns beet red. With little white lines running through it. Think it sounds weird? It looks even worse. And it stays that way. For a long time.

#12 - Sweatin' to the Fatties - Running, walking, shaving your legs in the shower, all causes for your sweat glands to send forth a gush of smelly liquid that renders the shower you just took useless. Basically you reek of B.O., but at least your legs are clean-shaven.

#13 - Nicki Got a Big Ol' Butt, Oh Yeah - Not just a big butt, but a butt grossly out of proportion with the rest of your body, like you're standing in front of a funhouse mirror. *BLOOP!*

#14 - Ooo Baby Baby - It's not as big as your butt, your stomach is still quite noticeable. You look like you're seven or eight months pregnant, so you try to find shirts that are long and flare out. You know, like maternity tops. Which only makes the whole pregnancy thing worse.

#15 - Paging Dr. Fixit - Surgery. You want to have breast reduction surgery, but can't justify getting that done before the ear surgery you need. But you know that with obesity comes higher risks with anethesia, so you put it off. But it's not so bad - not being able to hear out of one ear makes it easier to ignore people.

#16 - Jiggle Jiggle Jello Plop! - There are things that are supposed to move during sex, and things that aren't. When the things that aren't start bouncing around like they're on a trampoline, it kind of takes away from the moment. Especially when your mind is screaming, "OH MY GOD, WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING TO MAKE THAT MOVE LIKE THAT, STOP!!! OH MY GOD!!! STOP!!!"

#17 - Put Your Best Foot Forward - When you gain weight, you gain it everywhere. Including your feet. So those awesome suede shoes you love and wait all year to wear have to stay in the closet, looking oh so pretty, and oh so lonely. And those knee-length boots that make your mouth water? Forget it. Thanks to calves as big as, well, baby cows, and your cankles, THAT ain't gonna happen.

#18 - Well Ain't That the Sh*t - There are pills out there designed to keep your body from absorbing fat, and they work. The fat goes right through your system and out your tookas. Taking everything it can with it. At inopportune times. Without notice. When my doctor asked once if I wanted prescription diet pills, I said, "Thanks, but the idea of pooping my pants doesn't appeal to me." He said, "It depends on how desperate you are." Yeah, desperate because my undies don't just have skidmarks, they have landslides. Pass!

#19 - You CAN Take It With You - Another little warning about chairs. You know you can't fit in the stadium chairs, but know even if you can fit IN a chair with arms, doesn't mean you can get OUT of it. So when you stand up, in front of a room full of people at a candle party, you'll find you have a chair attached to your giant ass. Sure, you can sit down quickly and pray nobody noticed, but you can tell by the looks of horror, by the looks that scream, "Oh thank GOD that's not me," that everyone did.

#20 - We'll Cross That Bridge... Or Maybe Not - You can't cross your legs. You can TRY, but you won't make it past your knee. You can force it over the other leg, but it'll go sliding off like butter on a hot potato. So there's no sitting demurely anymore for you. You can cross your cankles, though. There's always your cankles.