Week 3: A Loyal Companion

Weigh In:  347.4 lbs

My foot's still screwed up, so I couldn't do anything.  That, coupled with the fact I am now completely unemployed, and I was a little depressed.  I ate a pint of rice pudding in one sitting.  Not nearly as bad as my boyfriends Ben & Jerry, but not good, either.  Comfort eating is BAD, and is absolutely the hardest thing I've ever tried to overcome.

I never had an issue with eating food for comfort until I moved to Florida.  I didn't have any friends, no family close by, and I didn't know my way around the area.  Everything about my life had changed, except for one thing:  food.

Starbursts tasted the same.  I would buy a bag, not just a pack, but a bag, and eat them throughout the day.  The taste was familiar, and that comforted me.  All of the fast food joints had food that tasted the same.  The start of Comfort Eating had begun.

Sodas were stocked in the refrigerator at work for employees for free.  Sodas tasted like they did in Maryland.  I'd have a sip, associate it with something back home, and it would make me feel better.  But I would drink 3, 4, sometimes 5 sodas a day.  On really bad days, I'd have 6.  And a bag of Starbursts.  Every. Single. Day.  My clothes were starting to get a little tight and then another type of eating habit entered the picture:  Stress Eating.

When I'm under a lot of stress, I grind my teeth at night while I'm sleeping.  In Florida, I started doing it during the day.  Around the clock.  While I didn't grind them as hard awake as I did in my sleep, it was still bad.  I started craving hard food.  Something that I could break down with my teeth.  When it was all mush, I'd feel like I had accomplished something.  I craved chewy food.  Something that I had to chew for a long period of time before I swallowed it that mimicked grinding.  I had to keep my jaw moving and the easiest way to do that was to keep eating.  Then came Guilt & Binge Eating.

I didn't have a support system.  I only had my boyfriend.  He was taught his health habits by his father, who was very strict.  I "couldn't" have this, I "couldn't" eat that.  All that did was make me want it more, and since I didn't know when I'd be able to eat it again, I would eat a lot of it when I had the opportunity.

That's when I started eating whole pints of ice cream.  Starting with Haagen Daaz's limited time flavor, Bailey's Irish Cream.  I liked ice cream before, but now I craved it.  It tasted so cold and smooth, so sweet and rich.  But I couldn't get caught eating it.  I had to throw away the wrapping and packaging somewhere other than home.  I had to hide it.

Then there were things that didn't make sense.  The ex didn't want me to have to cook, so we'd go out for dinner, every night.  And as long as we were eating out, I was 'allowed' to order whatever I wanted without having to listen to him chastise me.  So I did.  I ordered the 'good' stuff.  The stuff that was rich and made me feel whole, that filled in that empty spot in my life.  Hunger and stress affect my stomach the same way, so eating felt like relaxing... until I couldn't button my pants any longer.

But that was just the start.  There's far more to come.