Weigh In: 341.8 lbs
My boyfriend loves me. No matter how big or how small or whatever I look like, he loves me just the same. I know this. He's known me both thin and fat, and he's always treated me the same. He loves me for me, and I love him for that. He treats me like he would treat anyone else in every situation, so it's easy to forget I'm not like most people and I can't always do what most people can.
Case in point, we went to the carnival this week with a friend. I'm not exactly comfortable on rides at the big amusement parks without a couple of Xanax, even though they're checked for safety again and again and again, for fear they'll become derailed. I'm terrified of carnival rides. I go on them anyway, trying to pick the least dangerous.
The first ride we got on was one where you rock the car back and forth so it spins and flips and turns upside down. I got in first and the car immediately dropped and my back was parallel to the ground. I pictured the guys on the other side, spending the entire time facing downward towards me because they wouldn't be able to manipulate the car because of my weight. There were no lap bars or anything else to hold them in place. I freaked out, got out of the car, and got my tickets back.
Next, we went on The Hurricane. That was a ride I could handle - the cars go around and lift up and fall down fairly gently. I sat on the outside of the seat, and tried to pull the lap bar down on my legs. I had to lift my belly over the bar, and no matter how much I stretched out, I couldn't get the bar to click in place.
The man running the ride went around, came to us and said, "I don't know if you're going to be able to ride this. I have to push the bar down, and I don't want to hurt you." I assured him I was fine, and he was finally able to get the bar to click in place. He told me to keep my hands on the bar in case in came loose, so I could push it back down.
The ride started spinning, slowly at first, then faster and faster. At full speed, all of the weight of myself and my boyfriend was pinning me against the side of the car. I was squished down by the bar and squished to the side, too. This is SO!! MUCH!! FUN!!
I say that because I was horrified at that point. With all the weight shifting towards the outside of the car, I felt my belly slide over first. Separate from my body - just my belly - slid across the lap bar. I was mortified. I'm sure nobody saw, and nobody noticed, but I did. And my knowing was more than enough.
We got off the ride and I was thrilled to be free of the pressure of the lap bar. While I said it didn't hurt, it did, and it hurt like a bitch. I started bugging the guys to go on the ferris wheel, my favorite ride.
We stood in line for a good 20-30 minutes while they loaded and unloaded people. I made eye contact with the ride operator several times. When it was our turn, our friend hopped up on a car, and we moved forward. As we did, the operator moved towards us, with his hand out, blocking me, and said, "You can't get on."
I immediately knew why, and while I was disheartened, I moved to the side. My boyfriend asked why I couldn't get on, and the operator said in a rude tone, "There are weight restrictions. She can't ride this." My boyfriend contested, and the exchange started to get heated. At that point, it wasn't about me being too big for the ride, it was about the crude way the situation had been handled. After all, he saw me in line, and got a full view of my body, yet let me stand there, waiting for my turn, without saying anything. The operator told my boyfriend if he had a problem with it, he could take it up with management, and without telling me where he was going, he did.
We left and I realized that my weight causes issues that affect other people besides myself. I wanted to shrink away, hoping nobody heard him turn me away, but my boyfriend wanted me to have the same respect everyone else was given. He stood up where I couldn't, and did it because he loves me and doesn't want to see me treated that way.
That's the way life is, though. People are scared of what they don't know, and seeing a large person makes you wonder if you could ever get that large yourself and if you'd be able to lose it if you did. I'm scared of women heavier than me. I'll admit it. Every pound I gain brings me one pound closer to a weight I'll swear I'll never see. Eventually, though, I do. And I'm crushed more and more every time.
One of my goals in this journey is to get to a weight where I can go on rides like that with no problem, and enjoy the day at my favorite amusement park (after a couple of Xanax, of course. After all, accidents still happen every now and then). That's something that I've missed keenly and want back badly.
Another goal is to be the person I was when I first met my boyfriend. Not because I think that's what he wants. I want it. I want people to look at me and say, "Wow! Check her out!" and I'll be able to say, "Oops, sorry! I'm going home with *this guy*, because he loved me when nobody else would." Is that so wrong? I don't think so.
In any case, treadmill update: my boyfriend had someone come over and assemble the treadmill in the living room, only to find it's too big to fit down the hallway into the guest room. So it needs to be taken apart and reassembled. Again. I'm working on that, and my foot is feeling better and better every day. It's quite stiff from favoring it and moving as little as I possibly could for so long, but that will subside with activity. I got a TV and DVD player off of freecycle for that room, and I definitely think we're on the road to somewhere now!
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